Full of Grace
by finnstardust
Summary: Waiting is the hardest part. JE established, some hints of RT, set after Allies.


I wrote this for Valentine's Day - it was supposed to be fluff but it became rather angsty. John/Elizabeth (established) with some hints of Ronon/Teyla. Set after Allies - SPOILERS for the final 4-5 episodes of Season 2. Words in italics are flashbacks/thoughts, I hope it's not too difficult to read. Enjoy.

* * *

Elizabeth struggles awake, blinking slowly against the harsh daylight that's flooding into the room. For a moment she's confused by her surroundings, until registering the cold and hard surface her face is resting on. Realizing she's fallen asleep in her office, she lifts her head abruptly and winces at the pain that tears through the stiffened muscles of her shoulders. 

Outside the control room is busy as always as Elizabeth makes her way across the bridge, shaking her head to clear the mental fuzz and heads straight to Zelenka who is in negotiations with some other scientists, speaking fast in Czech and motioning to the computer screens.

"Radek? What's going on?"

The scientist sends his team off with a wave of his hand and nods at Elizabeth.

"Dr. Weir, I'm afraid we have nothing new to report."  
"Why didn't you wake me up?" She tries very hard to keep the annoyed tone out of her voice but fails – falling asleep on the job and especially in the situation they're dealing with at the moment is thoroughly unprofessional.

"I was going to, but Dr. Beckett told me to let you sleep. He said you haven't been resting well lately." Zelenka taps his PDA impatiently and curses softly in his language. "Excuse me, Dr. Weir, I really need to return to my lab."

"Of course. Is there anything I can do?"

Zelenka gives her a sympathetic look and shakes his head. "I'm afraid all you can do now is wait."

Elizabeth closes her eyes for a brief moment and nods. "I understand."

Zelenka hurries off and Elizabeth makes her way towards the infirmary, wrapping her arms around herself and fighting off a fresh wave of tears.

_Damn you, John. What have you gotten yourself into this time?_

She remembers nothing of the moments right before falling asleep – the last memory she has is hearing Colonel Caldwell's voice explaining to her that they had lost contact with John, and that Ronon and Rodney had been unable to get themselves out of the Wraith hive ship. She's not sure what she heard in Caldwell's voice over the radio: worry, sympathy, sadness…Possibly all of them. And that, more than anything, had unnerved her. She had had her disagreements with Caldwell in the past, especially over the leadership of Atlantis, especially over John, and to hear the genuine emotion in the Colonel's voice signalled to her that he had given up hope on the missing expedition members.

_I'm not giving up on you, John. I'm not giving up on any of you._

* * *

Carson is busy with paperwork when she rounds the corner and steps into the infirmary. He takes one look at her and lifts his hands defensively. 

"You needed the sleep, Elizabeth. I'm not going to apologize for not waking you."

She knows he's right, she knows her own body well enough to realize it's not doing very well at the moment. All the worrying and all the doubt she has experienced over her moral decisions lately has taken its toll and the ability to sleep naturally is long gone. The woman that greets her in the mirror every morning is not the one she recognizes and she's struggling to keep herself together, knowing that the moment her tired eyes start portraying defeat, everyone else will lose hope too.

She sits down across from Carson, burying her face into her hands for a moment. "It's all right, Carson. I…I know it's for my own good."

The doctor sighs. "Any news?"

Elizabeth shakes her head, leaning back in her chair and staring at the roof to keep the tears from escaping. "When I woke up, there was this one little moment when…When I truly believed everything was back to normal, as normal as things could be around here, and then when I remembered…"

"You can't lose hope, lass." Carson reaches to pat her arm, a gesture of solidarity and understanding that he hopes will comfort her at least a little even though he knows he can't even start guessing what she's feeling right now. "You have to keep believing they will come back. John's been in plenty of bad situations before."

"I know." She sniffles a little. "God, I know."

"_You can't."_

"_I have to and you know it."_

_She stares at him for what feels like an eternity, until her lips form the tiny word her mind and heart are screaming she mustn't say._

"_Go."_

_John nods and turns to run up the stairs, into the jumper bay, out of her life, forever._

"He has a knack for that, doesn't he?"

Carson nods. "Aye, he does. But I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like now that you're…now that the situation is different."

Elizabeth smiles a little. "You can say it, Carson, I won't break."

"Are you certain of that?"

She looks at her hands. "I loved him for a long time without realizing it, and it's never been easy, especially after I understood my feelings. Knowing that he shares them makes it…it's harder but it also gives me strength, in some twisted way."

"Then you use that strength and believe he'll come back to you, all right?" Carson gives her arm a final squeeze and gets up from the table to put away the files he'd been working on. She takes a deep, shuddering breath and fights the nausea rising in the back of her throat.

"I can't lose him, Carson."

The doctor nods. "I know, Elizabeth."

* * *

She wanders out of the infirmary and towards the general direction of the living quarters, not sure what she's supposed to be doing right now. The waiting and the uncertainty frustrate her more than anything but until the Daedalus returns and Caldwell temporarily – and she has to believe it's temporary – assumes John's duties as the military commander, there isn't really anything she can do about the situation. 

Elizabeth lets herself into John's quarters, numbly sitting on the bed and again wrapping her arms around herself for warmth, closing her eyes and pretending it's really his arms she has around her. She misses being in his arms so desperately, misses the security and the rush of emotions she experiences every time she's close to him.

_She walks down the stairs from the control room and crosses the distance to him, feeling the smile on her face growing with every step. His eyes are glued into hers and she doesn't give him a chance to speak, hugging him to her tightly, eyes closed, not giving a damn about who might be watching._

_"I truly thought…"_

_"Yeah, yeah, I thought the same thing about you a minute ago. We've got to stop that."_

_"I'd like that."_

Her fist connects with his pillow in a rare outburst of anger and frustration.

"We agreed to stop this, John", she whispers to the empty room. "Why can't you keep your promises?"

She understands the risks of the expedition to another Galaxy, realizes the dangers the teams face every time they step out of the Gate and knows that so far they've been very, very lucky. She has personally written too many letters, and videotaped too many messages to the families of those they've lost on the way and each and every loss haunts her, makes her wonder if there was something she could have done differently. When the friendship between her and John started to deepen, he told her he faced the same demons every time, but his career in the military had taught him losses were inevitable and most of the time they weren't anyone's fault. She remembers looking at him and whispering that that was something she would never get used to, no matter how much she has seen during her diplomatic negotiations and trips abroad. He told her to give it time and she knows now he was right: she has learned to accept the deaths as one part of the expedition they couldn't really control. She still loses sleep over each and every one of them but the horrible guilt has finally released its clutches.

Except when John is the one they are in danger of losing.

_"I'd like to say something while I still can."_

_"Save your strength, John and tell me in person."_

_"This is important."_

_"I'm listening."_

He has never told her what it was he would have said if Ford hadn't interrupted him and she doesn't really want to know anymore, doesn't want to think back to that day when she was first faced with the possibility of losing him. When, for a brief moment, he had died for real and she had thought Carson might not get his heart started again. They had only been in the city for a few months then but already she had come to depend on John, had already considered him a friend and the thought of losing him had hurt her indescribably.

Elizabeth grabs his pillow and buries her face into it, breathing in his scent etched on the fabric. It brings her comfort and for a moment he's there with her in the room again, but only briefly before reality is back and she flings the pillow across the room, giving in to the angry sobs that make her entire body tremble. She knows she shouldn't have gotten so deep into this relationship, shouldn't have fallen in love with him but she hadn't been able to help it, no matter how strict she tried to be with herself, no matter how much she tried to remind herself they were in charge of this expedition and any romantic relationship between them would surely be frowned upon.

She drags her exhausted body up from the bed and walks to the pillow, throwing it back on the bed and continuing on to the bathroom, facing her own reflection in the mirror. She takes in the deep dark shadows under her eyes, any make-up she doesn't remember applying, but probably has, is long gone by now. Her eyes are tired and swollen and look strangely sunken but the green still flashes and she knows she hasn't given up, no matter how hopeless she feels right now.

A knock on John's door pulls her out of her misery and she turns from her reflection and walks to open the door to Teyla, who looks very worried and about as tired as Elizabeth herself does. Of course, she remembers now, Ronon is missing as well: on the Wraith hive ship with Rodney. She instantly feels guilty for having focused on John more than the two others and wonders what exactly the nature of Teyla's relationship with the Runner is – she has never really considered it but she knows the two have grown close.

"Doctor Weir, I thought I might find you here." The young Athosian woman is graceful as always, no matter how exhausted she may have been and Elizabeth smiles a little.

"Don't you think it's time you called me Elizabeth?"

Teyla nods. "If you so wish."

"Come in." The door swishes shut after Teyla and Elizabeth sinks down on the bed again with a groan.

"I suppose you haven't heard anything new?"

"I'm afraid I haven't. I saw Doctor Beckett a short while ago and he asked if I could come find you." Teyla takes a seat on the bed next to Elizabeth. "I am very sorry you have to go through this again. I am aware of how much Colonel Sheppard means to you."

Elizabeth bites her lip. "Teyla, if we had listened to you…you had some doubts about this alliance and…"

"I do not think you made the wrong decision", Teyla interrupts her. "You did what you thought was best and for that, I respect you. I had my doubts because I have lived with the threat from the Wraith my entire life and they should never be trusted."

"And from now on, we never will trust them again. If we survive this…"

She has to bite her lip again but can't stop a few solitary tears escaping down her cheeks. Teyla reaches out tentatively and places her hand on top of Elizabeth's.

"I believe we should trust the Colonel and Doctor McKay and Ronon. It's not the first time they've been in trouble."

Elizabeth nodded. "I know. I do trust them…I trust John with my life."

_"You're not going anywhere. I will shoot you if you don't let her go."_

_"And risk hurting Dr. Weir?"_

_"I'm not aiming at her."_

She twists her hands. "He's saved my life…all of our lives, so many times."

"Then that is something we must remember now and believe they will all come back unharmed."

Elizabeth glances at the younger woman briefly. "This is not really any of my business but are you and Ronon…?" She doesn't complete the question, doesn't know how and what to ask really.

Teyla looks away. "I do not know. We have not…discussed that."

Elizabeth nods. "I understand."

* * *

They walk to the control room together and Elizabeth declines Teyla's offer to bring her something to eat, knowing that she can't face any food until they know one way or another what the situation with the missing expedition members is. Until then she's functioning purely on caffeine, ignoring the worried looks Carson shoots to her direction even though she knows it's not good for her. She walks to the balcony outside her office where she knows she won't be disturbed: the unspoken rule allows only her and John out there. Elizabeth leans on railing and sips her coffee, losing herself in her thoughts. 

_She comes to a sudden halt in the room, staring at the control chair and the man sitting on it - tall, with wild hair and a shocked look on his face. A smile spreads onher face even though General O'Neil is less impressed._

_"I said don't touch anything."_

_"I…I just sat down."_

_"It's your expedition. You want him, you ask him."_

_"That's the thing. I have."_

Elizabeth stares into the mug, swirling the scalding liquid around slowly. She has often wondered if she fell in love with John that day – never one to believe in love at first sight, she has pushed the thought from her mind as much too cheesy for someone like her. She can't, however, deny the bond that was there from the beginning, the almost magnetic pull that ensured she found herself in close proximity to him at all times, despite their early disagreements and his sometimes slightly questionable military decisions.

_" Listen to me, John. You endangered yourself and the lives of many others."__  
" Because I thought it was the best course of action to take – and, by the way, I saved your ass."  
" I know you did – but you have to trust me."  
" I do."  
" Do you?"_

Her mind flashes back to Teyla's earlier words about trust and she sighs deeply, staring across the ocean. The incident with the nanovirus and the thought that John still didn't trust her enough to go with her decisions hurt her deeper than she had allowed to show and, despite his apology, she had shut him out for a while, her emotions too raw and too close to the surface to be dealt with. Looking back now, she considers that one of the important cornerstones of their emotional relationship – trust is very, very important to her, with every single member of the expedition.

* * *

The day slowly edges towards the night and still they have no information about John, Rodney or Ronon. The Daedalus lands and Elizabeth holds a brief meeting with Caldwell and the remaining senior staff before ordering them all to bed, knowing for a fact nobody will sleep a wink, the least of all her. 

She grabs a brief shower and a change of clothes before returning to John's room to continue her long, lonely wait. Carson manages to force a sandwich down her throat after threatening to pull medical rank and have her removed from duty. She glares at him with the most evil stare she can come up with, one that has cowed world leaders and aliens alike but the doctor just stares back and doesn't leave her alone until she has finished the sandwich. She has to admit she feels slightly better afterwards.

Elizabeth attempts to go to her own quarters to get some work done but immediately feels completely cut off from John and has to rush back, in tears again. She ignores the worried looks of the people she passes on the way, not wanting to hear how sorry they are for her: by now everyone on the expedition knows about her and John, has known since the early days, probably within minutes of her giving in to overwhelming temptation and kissing him in her office in full view of everyone in the control room. That was three days after they had been taken over by Phoebus and Thalan and she had spend that three days in a fierce battle with her common sense over something she had repressed for much longer that she cared to admit. Needless to say, common sense lost the battle and Elizabeth risked everything, coming clean with her feelings and praying that her intuition wasn't wrong and all the little things that had taken place over the previous months weren't just products of her own overactive imagination.

_"Happy Birthday."_

_"It's beautiful. How did you find out?"_

_"Mum's the word."_

She opens her laptop and half-heartedly skims through some reports, making a few notes here and there, repeatedly getting distracted by one stray thought or another. Her concentration just isn't there right now and briefly she even wishes Rodney were there to bug her into looking at some new random discovery he had made in his lab. She misses the constant banter of John and Rodney that always has Carson rolling his eyes and normally annoys her; now she would give anything to hear it again. She misses Ronon's dark perceptive eyes and the brief smile that always crosses his face as he exchanges looks with Teyla after the two of them learn of another crazy pastime of the people from Earth.

But above all she misses John – everything about him. The way he still fidgets in briefings and sometimes struggles to stay awake and the way he always chooses the movies she least likes when they manage the rare evening off-duty. The way he kisses her, always starting slowly and teasingly, the passion increasing with every passing second until she's left very hot and bothered, her cheeks burning and her hair a mess and the way he knows exactly how to touch her in bed to make her scream even though she never has before with anyone else. The way he understands her and the way he now trusts her decisions.

_"If you won't, then kill me now."_

_"John…"_

_"It's better for the both of us."_

_"I can't do that."_

_"Then try again."_

She knows the things he did while infected with the retrovirus still sometimes haunt him, for weeks after he was finally back to normal she often caught him looking at the faint lines on her neck he left while holding her against the wall and sometimes he still stares at the glass wall of her office, remembering how he shattered it into millions of pieces. They've never really discussed what happened that day – she doesn't need an apology for any of it and often feels like she should remind him of that when he's more down than usual and she's sure he's thinking back to that time.

Elizabeth sighs and closes the laptop's lid, giving up on work and laying down on the bed, curling herself into a ball, arms around her knees. Her eyelids feel very heavy but she knows she probably won't be able to sleep even if she tries – all the decisions and choices she has made lately have reduced her to a wreck and a while ago she reluctantly asked Carson to prescribe her some sedatives to be able to sleep. John hadn't been happy about the idea to begin with but after she kept him awake for several nights as well they both knew she needed something – not to mention after the slips and mistakes she was starting to notice in her work. She knows she's still able to take brief naps like the one earlier in her office without medication but can't stay asleep for anything more than 30 minutes. She briefly considers taking one now but decides against it since the tablets are very effective in knocking her out and she wants to remain awake in case something happens.

* * *

Elizabeth startles awake at the sound of the city alarm and for a moment stares around wildly in the darkness of the room, confused. Her earpiece is cracking repeatedly and someone is calling her name urgently. 

"I'm here. Go ahead." She stumbles into a sitting position.

"Unscheduled off-word activation, Ma'am."

She's out of the door and running towards the control room before the man on the other end can finish the sentence.

Teyla and Carson are standing in the control room, both gnawing their nails nervously and staring at the gate; Caldwell and Zelenka are pacing back and forth and the Colonel gives Elizabeth a little sympathetic nod upon noticing her.

"Are you reading anything?" She knows her voice is much too excited but she doesn't give a damn.

"Nothing yet."

She rakes her hands through her hair, frustrated. "How long has the alarm been on?"

"Just for a few minutes, Ma'am. I radioed you as soon as it went off."

She nods and leans against the console next to Teyla, eyes glued on the blue depths of the Stargate. The Athosian woman gives her a small smile and Elizabeth sees the same anxiety in her brown eyes that she knows she has in hers.

"_Please_…" She whispers silently to herself. "_Come on_."

"Reading IDC", the technician announces and turns to Elizabeth with a big grin on his face. "It's Colonel Sheppard."

Elizabeth feels her heart skip several beats and is halfway down the stairs before she remembers to tell the technician to lower the shield. Rodney stumbles through first, followed by Ronon who is clutching his bleeding arm and dripping blood all over the floor – Elizabeth registers Carson and Teyla rushing past her but her attention is focused on the gate. The few seconds before John steps through are the longest she has ever experienced and by the time he orders the shields up she's trembling.

John looks at her with a soft smile. "Sorry we're late, again."

Elizabeth launches herself at him, nearly knocking him down and holds on to him with all that she's got, his arms tight around her and she can feel tears running down her face when he finally steps back.

"Hey, hey, we're all right. It's okay."

"How did you…? Where…What happened?"

"I'll tell you later." He pulls her back into his arms and kisses her deeply, lifting her up and swirling her around: she faintly registers the whoops and whistles from the people in the control room and smiles against John's lips – proper conduct be damned.

* * *

Carson releases John and Rodney from the infirmary after a basic check but orders the grumbling Ronon to stay until the next day – the wound in his arm isn't dangerously deep but still needs stitches. Teyla sits by the Runner's bed and exchanges a relieved, happy look with Elizabeth who smiles back before exiting the room with John. The Colonel has, miraculously, escaped with just a few bruises. 

"You two have to sleep", she tells John and Rodney, who looks like a sleepwalking ghost by now. "We'll delay the briefing until tomorrow."

Rodney mutters something that sounds like a "thank you" before starting towards the living quarters. John starts pulling her towards her office and she goes with him without another thought before realizing it's the wrong direction.

"John, wait. Where are you going?"

"Come on."

"You need to rest."

"I'll rest later. I have to do something first."

She frowns but follows him through the control room, across the bridge and out the balcony door.

"What's going on, John?"

"Do you know what day today is?"

Elizabeth scratches her head. "Uh…Tuesday."

"Which month?"

Her brain really isn't cut for this right now. "John, what are you…?"

"Just guess."

She rolls her eyes but thinks hard: they had some sort of a Christmas celebration about a month and a half ago so it must be…"I'm guessing February?"

"Correct. And the date?"

The grin on his face is reaching from ear to ear now and suddenly she understands, smiling. "14th?"

"Exactly. Valentine's Day."

Elizabeth shakes her head. "I never really pictured you as the romantic, John."

His face gets serious. "I need to ask you something."

"What?"

He reaches a hand into his pocket and frowns. "I'm not sure how to do this."

"Is something wrong?" She's getting worried now.

"No, nothing's wrong, I just want to do this right."

"Do what right?"

John sighs. "Just give me a moment."

She swallows. "You're scaring me. What are you going to…?"

John effectively cuts her sentence short by getting down on one knee in front of her. Elizabeth feels her eyes widen and she sways a little.

"Oh my God."

"Elizabeth Weir", he pulls a tiny box from his pocket and opens it. "Will you marry me?"

She stares at the three sparkling diamonds and covers her mouth with her hand.

"Oh my God."

"You said that already." John's face portrays his nervousness and she tears her eyes away from the ring to look into his, a slow smile breaking on her face.

"Ask me again", she whispers and John smiles.

"Will you marry me?"

Tears break free from her eyes again. "Yes."

He swallows and she's sure she sees something glistening in his eyes before he takes her left hand that by now is shaking like a leaf and slides the ring onto her finger.

"It's so beautiful." Her voice breaks and he gets up, pulling her close and kissing her softly. "John, where…"

"It belonged to my mother. I brought it with me when we were on Earth…when I was promoted."

"But we weren't together then."

"I know." He smiles briefly, fingers caressing her palm. "Let's say I hoped we might be soon."

Elizabeth smiles through her tears. "Good plan."

"Oh, I know." He leans in to kiss her again. "Happy Valentine's Day."

His lips muffle her response and she wraps her arms tighter around him.

_"You're a hopeless romantic, you know that?"_

_"Well, you're just as hopeless, otherwise you wouldn't have agreed."_

* * *

Reviews are greatly appreciated! 


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